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The Wait

Frank, Gary, and Marlene Lau

Everyday I lie in bed thinking. Sometimes for the entire day. Certain themes and questions are overwhelming, they haunt me. They affect me everyday, they affect what I say, what I do, what I write. I know this and I want other people to know this as I don’t think it will ever go away. And I don’t think waiting until March 17th 2010 will change a thing.

The truth wasn’t good enough for some people, I wasn’t good enough. They deceived me, used me, and deliberately callously and repeatedly hurt me, then they pretended I didn’t even exist.

Tracy, Sverre, and Marlene Lau

It turns out my MBA class is a pack of liars and hypocrites, that will say just about anything, do just about anything, if they think it is in their personal best interest. Definitely regardless of the consequences for others. I haven’t forgotten what they said and I’ll never forget what they did.

People still insist I must be lying, even after all this time, insist I haven’t been negatively affected by the threats and allegations, by the ’solution’, by the nasty looks, by the chatter, by the years of living in fear.

Peter Chow, Marlene, and their MBA Friends

Why is it so hard to believe that I would go out of my way to help someone who repeatedly insisted they were my friend?

I finally found steady work after two years of unemployment at a non-profit in the DTES. I spend all my time and energy trying to help people, yet still I must be lying Anne?

I know what it is like to be haunted by a picture, a face, a look, a word…

Friend

“End is the only part of the word, that I heard, call me morbid, or absurd.”

Some more people who claimed to be my friend, but that evidence proves otherwise.

  • No friend of mine would stand silently by while I was threatened and punished for helping another.
  • No friend of mine would stand silent while people maligned me.
  • No friend of mine would say “nothing can be done”, when clearly something needed to be.
  • No friend of mine would know everything, do nothing, say nothing, for years!
  • No friend of mine would turn their back on me, pretend I don’t exist and leave me to die.

“The more you suffer, the more it shows you really care. Right?” Mar?

The MBA Graduation ceremony I was too scared and depressed to even think of attending.

Maybe someday my MBA classmates will finally realize just what their words and actions truly accomplished, maybe they’ll understand what it means when you “insist you’re telling the truth”, maybe they’ll know what it means to be traumatized for life.

Despite everything I was put through during my MBA and in the years after, a part of me still wishes things could be better. I always did tell the truth, I always did go out of my way to help my MBA classmates, even after I knew I was being mistreated and lied to.

Why? Because otherwise all I can do is stay away and suffer, forever.

Please believe me Marlene, I swear on the soul of my father dead these 18 years, I always told you the truth, I was only ever trying to help you and be your friend, that was what you said you wanted.

One of many many depressed journal entries.

Another tear soaked page in one of my journals

Year after year, people refused to believe they were hurting me, so I took some pictures of the results of their words and actions.

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 25th, 2009 at 1:05 am filed under: Blogging, Depression, MBA, Sauder. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  • Still I wait, still I suffer, still I try to understand, still I try to get out of bed and study for my CFA exam. Still people pretend nothing happened, still they insist no one was negatively affected, still people say nothing can be done.

    I just stay away and suffer, like I have done for almost five years. I still live in fear, I still suffer panic attacks, I still take pills...

    I went away, I suffered, they prospered.

    All because I told the truth and went out of my way to help my MBA classmates, especially the few I thought were my friends, those that I cared about.

    I wasn't aware it was a crime to care.

    At first people enjoyed the results of their cold, calculating, petty, vindictive actions. Others enjoyed gossiping about it and spreading more rumors and lies. My MBA classmates definitely had no qualms about lying to me, using me, or pretending I didn't even exist.

    I still exist. I still try to understand. I try to survive.

    Maybe you're too bad ass for the truth now that you're in Kill Matilda. Maybe it isn't cool to go out of your way to help people because you care, and because you believe them when they say we are' friends'. Maybe traumatizing someone for life is just another day at the office for you.

    The truth hasn't changed. The facts haven't changed. The words haven't changed.
    Have you changed?

    Or was this all just some elaborate facade, some ruse, some scheme, some mask to cover your true self?

    I never had any mask.

    Must I still be lying? Must I still have some evil intentions? Must I still suffer?

    Please believe me. I never wanted to be a pariah. All I can do is continue to tell the truth and wait.
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