Muschamp Rd

“I was never the person I wanted to be.”

January 8th, 2011

That was the title of a post to Facebook that I read while lying in bed today. A thrilling start to a blog post I know, but the link was lengthy and since I’d written similar stuff to the ultimate author, I felt I should comment.

This is Bill Zeller’s suicide note. It’s more than a note, but it is less than a man.

I never knew Bill. Never even heard of him, other’s had. He decided to make his final words and thoughts very public. I’ve made thoughts very public and I’ve thought of some final words…

I’ve kept most of my words and thoughts public, that I’d already made public in the hope they would help someone, perhaps more than writing helped me. In the end I just had to walk away from everything and everyone who was making my life unbearable. I never did find out why, things never got better, but I exist.

Dead is forever.

That’s what I told some driver of an SUV who ran a red light at Granville and Broadway and almost killed me and a few other people in the crosswalk a while back.

Dead is forever.

Now is the part where I’m supposed to tell how my life got amazingly fantastic and how everything is just great now. That hasn’t happened yet, but my outlook is better. I have hopes and dreams again. Despite everything that has occurred I want 2011 to be better.

If I have to give advice, I’d say get a dog. Read some good books. You can even try medication.

Now I was never sexually abused. I have a good family. I’m luckier than many, I know. It is hard to see all that you have when all you think you have is nothing.

Ultimately all you can do is try. Trying has more than one meaning.

I’ve tried to get a lot out of music. I taught myself to play guitar, the blues naturally.

Sometimes just getting out of bed is a victory. One of the little mantras, quotations I repeat to myself comes from an odd source, but it is so true:

Don’t dream it, be it.

Oh and watch the movie Rushmore.


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