Muskblog: the sad, pathetic truth

Why do I continue to write about my life and the people who broke me?

Because Brian, I still suffer, everyday, like just now when I suffered a panic attack trying to cross the street at Broadway and Cambie.

When people make a concentrated effort to ignore you out of existance, the same people who repeatedly insisted they were your friend, would help you, but in reality were just decieving you, hurting you, and took great enjoyment gossiping about it, not lifting a finger or saying a word in your defence.

Why was it I who must be lying? Why was it I who was forced to do things against his will? Why was it I who was threatened and punished for "repeatedly trying to help" my classmate with their internship?

People still pretend I don't exist, they still pretend nothing is wrong, nothing happened, that nothing can be done, that I haven't suffered every single day since March 17th 2005, and I haven't forgotten what happened on January 6th 2006 either.

I kept quite. I kept people's secret. I was told it was a misunderstanding, an overreaction, an immature act, that it would blow over, that things would get better. I took the high road. I suffered in silence for months, till the end of my MBA program, when I once again threatened for writing my classmates, my supposed friends, for asking for clairity, for closure.

So yeah I continue to write just like I continue to suffer. My silence served no one but Anne DeWolfe and a handful of my classmates. If Sverre or Gilbert or Damien really wanted to make a difference they would have said and done something back in 2005 or early 2006. They would have spoken to Anne DeWolfe, or Marlene Lau or even Gary Lau. Instead people pretended to know nothing, that nothing had happened, that everything was fine, that everyone was doing great, that the Sauder MBA was great, that everyone would benefit and come out ahead.

Not me. I told the truth. I went out of my way to help my MBA classmates and I did not come out ahead. I came out traumatized, broken, unemployable, suicidal. And still people pretend I don't exist, they walk by me and glare. They say more behind my back than they do to my face.

So I continue to write. I continue to insist I told the truth, to everyone. I really was only trying to help my classmates. I had no ulterior motives. I just went to the movie. I just went to the gym. I just went to see a guest speaker. It was other people who schemed, who gossiped, who cheated, who overreacted. I suffered. For almost five years now I suffered and no amount of pills or counciling will change that and I'm done hiding that fact. And I'm done pretending no one knows exactly what happened, and no one could have said or done anything and that people didn't repeatedly lie to my face because it was in their best interest.

They weren't lying for my benefit. They just used me and tossed me aside when it was no longer convient to continue the charade. The world is small, Vancouver is smaller. I stayed away, but I was born here. I need a job. Other people moved here, other people insisted this was a necessity, they enjoyed watching me suffer for the first couple of weeks.

Well it's five years almost of suffering and if that fact has become uncomfortable for some people, if the truth has become uncomfortable, well I'm sorry. I apologized before March 17th, I didn't know what I did or what I said, but I apologized, I was prepared to go away and be sad, I'm a man of my word. Other people weren't satisfied they wanted more. More pain, more advantage, more at my expense.

I continue to pay everyday, so if my blog inconviences a few of my classmates or my classmate's bandmates, imagine what it is like to have lived this instead of reading about it once and then pretending everything will just be alright?

I'm done pretending.

From my latest journal entry after one of the very random events I lived in fear of for the last four years or so.

Why Mar?

Does it matter anymore? The truth matters. When your entire life hinges on people believing you, the truth matters.

Damn you Emlyn for mentioning Danna!

Why do you people still not believe me?
Why don't you care how much you're words and actions hurt me?
Why did you deceive me, use me, and hurt me?
Why when I complained did you treat me even worse?
Why did you just shrug your shoulders and say "Nothing can be done" and go off and party, leaving me crying uncontrollably on the floor?
Why did you just ignore me and leave me to die?
Why?

Why?

I still lie in bed morning and night and try to understand why. Why was all this necessary? Why deceive me, use me, hurt me, threaten me, break me? Why stand around and shrug your shoulders and let me suffer? Why pretend nothing is wrong when you know everything? Why ignore the truth? Why do you hurt another human being? Why do you watch them suffer? Why do you just ignore them and let them die alone and afraid?

Why Marlene Lau?
Why Sauder MBA classmates?
Why Anne DeWolfe?
Why Wendy Ma?
Why?

Why indeed.